ugh

I feel like crap.

Can you get a headache from thinking too much? I think you can. I did homework in Café Fiesta today with Ivan and Eddie. My goal was to never go back again (after they were being so ridiculous about the wireless internet, and everything else in general), but there really isn’t anywhere else we can just hang out and do homework. So I went, and got 10 mins of internet. Then I couldn’t reply to Eddie’s text message (or Ivan’s) because I didn’t have any money on my phone. In about 10 mins I have to leave to go to a meeting that I really don’t want to go to. I don’t have to, but I should. It’s good for my language development to be with actual Russians my age. Plus they’re all very nice. I don’t know.

Oh, also this сукa (you can look that up in a translator, I’m not providing the translation for that one) in Café Fiesta told us we had to move tables because we didn’t pay the 90 rubles to sit there (they have regular tables, and then tables with these weird couches). I’m pretty sure she was just doing it to be…well, a сукa. I HATE people like that.

I started thinking a lot about Russia after reading Eddie’s blog and got really sad. It’s hard to describe the experience of living here. On the one hand, I (especially now) am just like “GET ME OUT OF HERE”, but on the other hand, I’m ALWAYS thinking about when I can come back. I think I’m just getting really frustrated with stuff. There are all these people I’m ready to say goodbye to NOW, but I still have four weeks left. I feel like I do and I don’t want to have ties to Irkutsk once I leave. I do, because when (eek…if?) I come back it’d be nice to have friends that I’d kept in touch with. But at the same time I just want to leave, and not have anything to do with Russia for awhile. I just already feel done. I have no motivation to further immerse myself (though I don’t know what else I would do…I go to my clubs, hang out with Russian people, went to the children’s home…I guess the point is that I don’t feel especially motivated to do these things).

And just when I thought I had gotten one of those “goodbyes” out of the way, Evgenii/Zhenya emails me. After he left for Olhon we exchanged like, maybe 3 text messages, but other than that I hadn’t talked to him. And then out of the blue he emails me. Evidently he’s trying to find another job and another apartment. But anyway he told me that as soon as he finds a new apartment, he’s going to have a housewarming party and I’m invited. He also wanted to know if I wanted to go somewhere (like, Listvianka? Olhon? No idea). This is nice of him…but no thanks. I mean, honestly, a) housewarming party-being in an apartment with a bunch of 25-35 year old Russian men? Um, thanks, but no thanks. B) GOING somewhere? Absolutely not. Anyway, I had thought (hoped) that he had just lost interest and not called, and that I wouldn’t have to do anything, but now I need to make myself very “busy” for the next four weeks. Actually I have two papers to write, so that won’t be hard. But seriously, why on earth would someone be interested in this random foreigner than can only half speak the language? Like, can he not find any Russian girls to hang out with?

And then I’m thinking of things I would have done differently, and I really regret not being able to spend more time with Leonya and Anya. But I don’t even know how I would go about doing that. Even now…I mean, what would we do? I feel weird asking if I can just come over and hang out, and whenever any one of my friends comes over here it seems like a big deal and I’m just never really relaxed (actually this has happened twice…once with Sonya, and once with Leonya/Anya/Eddie). Like, what do he and Eddie do when they hang out all the time? It makes me sad that I don’t live with him. I don’t know. It’s an upsetting situation for me and even though I still have four weeks left I don’t know what to do about it.

The moral of the story is that I have a splitting headache, am tired of everything and everyone, still have homework to do, and two papers in Russian to write. I am terrified of this. Just so you all know, I don’t speak Russian. Actually most of the time I’m just anxious and afraid with waves of absolute terror and panic every once in awhile. 10-20 pages in Russian. Times two. I think that it’s not the writing so much that scares me, I think I can do that, it’ll just be slow. It’s the research and gathering information that scares me. Also my course scheduling is going nowhere and is very frustrating. This would be so much easier to do if my class wouldn’t be so difficult and conflict with each other and if I were on campus right now.

Okay, sorry this entire entry was me whining and complaining. On the upside, my friend Anya might be in the US this summer!

Later updated: I can’t remember the last time I’ve had a headache this bad. I think it might be a migraine, actually. I used to get migraines a lot in high school but haven’t had one in awhile. I actually shouldn’t be typing because it certainly isn’t helping. I’d say that if I feel like this in the morning there’s no way I’m going to class, but then I’d have to do something between, like, 1-2:30 so my host mother/sister don’t catch me at home, because then they’ll think I’m sick, and then they’ll a) want to take care of me and b) say it’s because I don’t wear enough winter clothing (also I wore half of what they wanted me to today and was sweating profusely. I even had to take off my hat so I didn’t overheat). I don’t feel like dealing with that situation.

Tuesday, November 20th
If I wanted to go to class, I should have left 20 mins ago. I still have a splitting headache, and if I feel like this NOW, I can’t imagine what a 30 min marshrutka ride and 2 hour and 20 min grammar and speech practice classes would do for me. I think I’d be dead at that point. But now I’m terrified that my host family is going to catch me here, so in about an hour I have to leave the apartment and…do what for 2 hours? All I want to do is climb back into bed. I think the only thing worse than being sick (I’m not really sick though, I just have a migraine) is being sick and then having to PRETEND that you’re not. UGH.

Also there’s no electricity in the apartment. Not really sure why.

Further update: I'm now at the internet cafe hiding out from my host family while they come home and eat lunch. Except I left the apartment ridiculously early because I was so neurotic about it (I left around 11:45, they'll arrive at 1:15). So I have this splitting migraine and another hour and a half before I can go back. They won't even come back for another 45 mins. This is almost worse than just sucking it up and being in class. Also leaving early was entirely unnecessary, because they're more or less very predictable in what they do. But what if today they weren't? Then what would I do?

This sucks.